Sunday, April 27, 2008

Cruel and Unusual Punishment !!!

so HPD wen chase one guy who was breaking into tourist cars into the ocean. The guy starts swimming toward the horizon. Ok.. one question ..wea are you going brah?

Da police, of course, are not stoopid. They walk back to their "unmarked " white van and break out the beach chair and hibachi. They fire up da hibachi and put on the teri beef. As Moses Palakiko is treading water a few hundred yards off shore, the police are puttin on sunscreen, taking out the latest copy of "Pakalolo Gazzette" and fanning the smoke toward the ocean.

"Eh, brah! You hungry?" they call out to Moses. "We brought extra, come grind!"

The meat on the grill of course smells very ono and Moses is almost tempted to swim back for a taste when he remembers why he is out dea to begin with.

Now, Moses is a very good swimmer and he figures he can stay out dea until dark and den plot his return to shore. It is at this point that the police use a tactic that I call "cruel and unusual punishment".

They put a call out to Moses' muddah. The horror. The shame. This, ladies and gentomenz is definitely uncalled for. To put a man through this is definitely wrong. There outta be a law. Article 5: "Unda no circumstance should law enforcement call a perpetrators' muddah to the scene of the crime. You may call a distance relative, a cousin on da fuddahz side, an exwife even..but NOT..repeat NOT da muddah."

Now hea comes Moses muddah. She get on her mu'umu'u, her Hawaiian bracelets - one for each of her 23 grandchildren, her rubbah slippahz and the big bird of paradise on the side of her head for decoration.

The beach is lines with inquisitive rubbah neckahz, including Moses' classmates now sitting on the shore with their boogie boards watching the action.

Aunty is in rare form. After speaking a couple minutes with the police and sampling a couple pieces of teriyaki, two scoop rice, macaroni salad and one diet coke....she walks to the waters edge.

"Moses Andrew Kanakanui Hiapo Mitchell NEWTON Palakiko!" she yells seaward.

His classmates look at each other and say, "Newton?? His name is Newton??"

Immediately, they start to chant, "NEWTON NEWTON NEWTON NEWTON."

Moses can feel his ears getting hot and a blush coming over his face. This ladies and gentomenz is the epidome of cruelty. Embarassing a man in front of his friends. First da cops call his muddah. PLUS he will not be able to live down the chanting now being taken up by most of the people on the beach.

Just then two large sharks are cruising the depths and look up at two spindly legs thrashing above them. "Eh, Mako..check that out...pupu brah!"

"Ohhh yeeaah," Mako sez his eyes roll in the socket and jaws open with anticipation.

"Wait...wait...hold up brah...dey wen call his muddah da pua buggah is going through hell already...give him a did you know his name was Newton?".

kk..I jus' sayin.

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